Sunday is Mother’s Day! I have been wondering, “What if “Mom” was a verb?” There are endless ways to nurture. If affection and care define the traits of a mother, then who exactly qualifies as a mom?
I realize Mother’s Day can be complicated for some people, myself included. My mother passed relatively young. There are people who want to be mothers and struggle with infertility. Or who are waiting for babies from another city or state or country. Those who lost a child, had a child taken, removed, had a child die. Those who are estranged from their children. Those in jail, in prison. On probation, parole. Or whose child is. Those who are straight, single, gay, married, living together with someone they love, or do not love. Who are single parents. Who are co-parents. Stepmothers, and grandmothers, aunts, uncles, and cousins who have stepped in, stepped up, then stepped back. Those who are acting in the capacity of a mother and do not even know it, they just care. They do what they feel is right.
I would say that Mother’s Day is for all of them as well as for the Moms we would see as more traditional.
To every Mom, or someone who does the work of a mother, I would share the words of Jill Churchill, “There is no way to be a perfect mother, and a million ways to be a good one.”
What if the word “mom” was a verb? Who would count as a mom then? Moms do zillions of things; transport, organize, cook, listen, entertain, comfort, tutor, arbitrate, repair, read, coach, investigate, research, medicate, give care, and often keeper of the family memories, just to list a few. But these tasks are not always the exclusive territory to one who has given birth.
As Mother’s Day approaches, I have been celebrating the memory of my mother. But I have also been full of love and appreciation for the person who helped me plan my wedding, typically the kind of thing a mother would do. There are a million things to do in planning a wedding. Appointments to pick flowers. Tables, coverings, chairs. Food. A venue! An officiant. Invitations. The delicate and sometimes stressful selection of bride’s maids, much less the Maid of Honor. Then dresses for all of them. I remember it taking forever to select a cake flavor from Lucy’s Bakery in Austin. Finding a band. Finding a hotel for out-of-town guests. Rings. The one thing my mother was involved with was selecting the dress, she just was not in a place where she could do more than that. But the rest of it? Including the rehearsal and finding a place for the rehearsal dinner? (My in-laws did cover the cost.) The rest of it was all one brave guy taking on what was typically a mother’s area of expertise. That brave guy who took on the mantle of a mom and did most of the mom things was …..my Dad.
So, I reached out to my Dad this week, just to see what that was like for him. I explained I wanted to address in my message those who are not moms but take on a mother’s role.
He told me those were turbulent times for him. He knew my mother would have done a better job if she were able. But he was happy to do it.
I told him he did great, and I was so lucky to have his help.
He said he did not think his comments would help me with a Mother’s Day message.
“I was happy to do it,’ speaks volumes, Dad.” I replied.
It does speak volumes. Perhaps it’s not so much about the many ways Moms do what they do, but an awareness within. The consciousness those mom-like actions spring from is what makes up the identity of a mother. The place where my Dad found happiness in helping me. Despite taking on an admittedly awkward role for him. No doubt a place of deep love.
It suggests the scripture, 1 John 4:12: "No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and love is made complete in us."
Happy Mother’s Day to all the Moms, and all those with the consciousness of love that brings about all the many ways to mom.
I thank you for reading. May the God of your understanding bless you today and always.
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