A few years ago, I fell. My foot was broken. I was in chaplaincy training at the time. In the hospital that I served in, hobbling around on crutches was deemed a risk for falling. The only way to continue my internship was from a wheelchair.
I discovered I had taken so much for granted. I had much in my thinking to correct about my body image, and some other hang ups. Especially that of asking graciously and gratefully for help. We build ramps and things, but for any sort of person who faces a disability the simplest things, such as opening a heavy fire door becomes a huge, time consuming chore.
But it is exactly in those kinds of times, when we examine and reflect upon our thoughts, words, and deeds that an exquisite illumination is quite possible. I mean really reflect, be honest with ourselves.
I learned to shine in many ways, with the help of reflecting with my colleagues.
I discovered that asking for help not only benefitted me, but also the person helping me. Service is, after all, a spiritual practice.
I learned when I wheeled in a patient’s room, there was an understanding we instantly had without words. The ice was instantly broken. The wheelchair communicated volumes. Largely, it said “Here’s a person who would like to support you who has been through the medical grind. Your experience is valid.” People poured their hearts out to me in a way I had never known before. There was a tremendous potential power for good in my vulnerability.
I learned that in illness, I was not less than. I never had been in the first place. All that striving to be better and better beforehand was admirable, but not as necessary as I thought. I was already worthy; I was already loved. No striving for those things was needed.
“Is this my favorite mistake?” is one of my go to questions I ask myself when I reflect, and yes – that question was inspired by the song by Sheryl Crow.
I know my favorite mistake when I take time to look for it. The frustrating thing is it often boils down to one thing for most of us. It is often the thing we did to survive in a difficult time in our lives, often in childhood. That favorite mistake that saved us back then and is seemingly our undoing now.
It is worth delving into these dark places, our broken bits, our favorite mistake because we sometimes find a gift in it. In the words of Leonard Cohen from his song, Athem: “Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack, a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.”
I used to tell the kids a story when I was a Sunday school teacher. I have no idea who to credit for the original story, there are various versions online everywhere. I found this version on: tcmworld.org
“An elderly Chinese woman completed a daily trek to the stream past her home and back to supply her family with fresh water. In order to do this, she fashioned a heavy pot on each end of a long pole, which she carried across her shoulders.
One of the pots was in perfect condition and always delivered a full portion of water. The other had a deep crack in it, causing water to leak out. At the end of the long walk, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
This situation occurred daily for two years, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the cracked pot was ashamed of its imperfection and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it had perceived to be bitter failure, the cracked pot spoke to the woman by the stream. “I am ashamed,” it said. “This crack in my side causes water to leak out. You work so hard and yet have little water once you return home.”
The old woman smiled and replied, “Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path? I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path. Every day, while we walked back home, you watered those seeds and helped them to grow. For two years, I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table and give to neighbors. Without you being just the way you are, there would not have been this special beauty to grace our homes and lives.”
I invite us all to consider reflecting on our dark places, our broken bits, our favorite mistakes, or even our shadow selves. It is often helpful to take a friend along, to help us find the light that is undoubtedly there.
It is not the only way to shine, but it is certainly a good one.
I thank you for reading, be brilliant this day!
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